Persevering. Again. Sigh.

Sheesh, has it really been over two months since I posted? Must be a symptom of denial. Or avoidance. Or both. Anyway, here I am again. Still on the lose a couple, gain a couple loop-the-loop. Haven't made the progress I'd like to, because I haven't done what it takes to achieve it. But, I have not given up. I hope I never do. 

Natural Sweetener with NO CALORIES! Here's how you might score some for FREE!

A fellow blogger, Trish, is running a contest to win some free Stevia in the Raw. I have definitely entered and you might want to give it a go, too. I've tried Truvia, and I love the zero-calorie sweetness, but I'm not real thrilled by the sugar alcohol they add to stevia, so I'm anxious to try this new product. Check out Trish's giveaway here and see the web site for Stevia in the Raw for more info about their product.  Good luck!

Write it DOWN, watch it go DOWN!

I've been writing down what I eat every day in a fitness journal that I received from my new friend, Cheryl, over at Losing My Behind. It also has a space to record activity each day. Even though I've only been doing it for a few days now, it has already begun to pay off. I weighed this morning and was delighted to see the lowest number since I started this blog! Since I haven't recorded any weigh-ins since April, my "Progress Report" page makes it look like I just lost one pound since then. Truth is, I went back up to 320 during that time but, thankfully, I'm now coming in at 315.

I've surprised myself, actually, by eating substantially fewer calories per day than my "goal." I think there's probably some psychological thing involved in looking at the list of food as it grows over the day and thinking, even subconsciously, that "Hey, that looks like enough food for..." the meal, the day, whatever. It's also helping me make sure I get an appropriate amount of water every day.

In addition, I've been reading an extremely thought-provoking book, "The Diet Alternative" by Diane Hampton, which is aiding me greatly in dealing with the spiritual aspect of overeating.

So, for this moment of this day -- and really, that's all any of us has -- I am feeling happy and successful and optimistic. God is good and friends are a blessing from Him!

Another Step in the Right Direction

I finally got things reorganized and started back with physical therapy for my left knee. I had been doing PT for a few weeks, but toward the end of my last semester of college this past fall, things became so hectic and overwhelming that I stopped going. At first, it was just cancelling a couple of appointments with the intention of rescheduling, but then I just never seemed to get around to making a new appointment. In the meantime, my knee has gotten worse and I realize that I need to get it back in shape if I'm going to be able to continue increasing my level of activity to aid my weight loss. As it is now, I can't stand or walk for more than a little while before the pains causes me to stop. Even shopping, with a cart to lean on, becomes too painful after a couple of hours.

So, today was my first appointment since October. It went very well, actually, although I had a bit more aching than usual at home later on. Getting this knee straightened out will give me the ability to be more active, thereby losing more weight. And, of course. losing weight will help take the excess pressure off my knee.

Will I ever be back to jumping rope like a kid? I dunno about that... it would be fun, but right now, I'll be happy just to be able to walk my dog or take a stroll with my Hunny without limping and grimacing. Being able to get through a routine dinner preparation without having to sit down frequently would be nice, too.

A Shame When We Waste Opportunities to Teach

I just got home from a shopping trip to Target and had an experience that bummed me in more ways than one.

I was standing at the end of an aisle, between two rows of merchandise shelves. A young couple with a little boy passed by, walking past the ends of the rows of shelves. The little boy, who looked to be about three years old, was riding in the shopping cart that his mom was pushing, with the dad walking beside her.

I didn't see them at first, because I was occupied looking at a piece of merchandise, but I heard the child say what sounded like something about "fat" but I wasn't sure what he said. But then, the mom laughed, followed by the dad asking, "What?" The mom replied, "He said, 'She's really fat'." When they both laughed, the little boy joined them.

I was the only shopper standing nearby, so the child obviously meant me. I really, really wanted to speak to them about it but unfortunately, by this time, they were more than an aisle over from me, and I didn't really want to seem like I was chasing them down. At least, that's what I told myself. Maybe I was just too concerned (afraid?) about how they would react.

What would I have said if I had the opportunity? Just this: "Excuse me. I happen to have heard your little boy's comment about me just now. I'm not mad, but I do think it's really sad that you just missed such a teachable moment with your child. Young children say whatever they think and it's up to us, as parents, to teach them what is appropriate and what isn't. You could have explained to him that saying such things about people is considered rude and it can hurt people's feelings. Instead, you chose to laugh at it, which sent him the message that not only is it okay to say unkind things about people, it's even funny. I hope that when this kind of opportunity presents itself again -- as it surely will -- that you will give some thought to handling it differently."

Of course, I missed my own teaching opportunity here -- the opportunity to perhaps help a young, inexperienced couple of parents see things in a different light. They may have been receptive, or they may have told me to... well... %$*&@#.... or whatever.

So, I'm doing the next best thing I can think of. I'm sharing here and perhaps someone else will be able to get something from it. At least it makes me feel like I did something even if it wasn't what I really wish I'd done. And, maybe next time I have such a teaching opportunity, I'll take advantage of it.

On the brighter side... this encourages me to keep working on my goal so that someday I will be disqualified for the "really fat" title!

BACK ON TRACK!!

Okay, it's really late and I'm really sleepy, but I just have to take a minute to report that not only did I re-lose that *&%@!+ seven pounds that I had initially lost then re-gained, but I lost another three pounds. YES!! This feels good!
So.... a net total of ten pounds down so far.
NO MORE RE-GAINING!!

Why NOT?

I haven't posted recently because I don't like accepting or admitting that I have already regained the seven pounds I just lost. This sucks. I know what I need to do and I know how to do it. I know why I need to do it. I know that I am the only one who can make the changes that are needed.

Then why am I not doing it? Why NOT? I need to get my head around this and plan how to overcome it.

A moment to indulge in some whining... why does it have to be SO freaking hard to lose seven pounds and SO freaking easy to gain it back?? I feel like kicking and screaming that it's not fair. That won't help... unless I kick hard enough and long enough, and work off enough calories. I hate this. But hate it or not, I'm not giving up.

Same Actions Yield Same Results

It was Einstein who famously said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Not that I was expecting different results, though. I knew eating more "old way" than "new way" would not yield the desired result, and indeed it did not. I reclaimed a pound of the excess weight I had thrown away in the past two weeks.

So. I am not going to fret over it or roll in guilty recriminations. I'm simply going to eat better this week and look forward to tossing away that pound again and, hopefully, more along with it.

In the meantime, I think I'll try blogging a little every day to help maintain my focus. In addition, I think I'll spend a little more time reading the blogs of others who have already successfully accomplished what I'm working toward. I discovered some today that seem especially encouraging, so I plan to make it a habit to read them regularly for added support -- "PriorFatGirl", "Pudget" and "On My Way". Check them out on My Blog List.

With these adjustments, this week should be more successful. My pastor likes to say that as long as we're still fighting a battle, we haven't lost. Well, I haven't lost this one and I'm not going to! Just saying that makes me smile and feel more confident!

Successful Week Number Two (a.k.a. Perfectionism Not Allowed)

Another pound of excess weight thrown away this week! After the big loss last week, it's hard to get really excited about losing "just a pound" this week. However, considering how much take-out we had this past week, I'm actually quite happy to have this much loss. We ate out some and ordered in some, but the key was keeping an eye on .... yes, healthy food, healthy portions. Okay, I admit the food wasn't all healthy -- I'm not going to make this "confession time" but suffice it to say I'd like to do better this week.

The bottom line, though, is that I managed to make enough good decisions to have a positive outcome for the week. Seems funny to call a negative number a positive thing. : )  I just want to keep remembering that this is about making good changes, even little ones, and letting them add up to create the results I'm seeking. Perfectionism has failed me over and over again -- has sabotaged me, really -- so I need to avoid allowing my thinking to even begin turning in that direction. Imperfect life is good life!

FABULOUS First Week!

I am thrilled that my eat-healthy-foods-in-healthy-portions plan is working. This first week, without the obsessive calorie counting, measuring and weighing, I have thrown away SIX POUNDS of excess weight! Kicked it to the curb -- goodbye and good riddance!


One of the biggest changes about my mindset is that, if I were at this stage in a past "diet program" I would be saying to myself something like, "Well, this is only the first week in a long process. It's going to take a long time to meet my goal. I have to stay committed."  BlahBlahBlah.


This isn't a "long process" anymore. I'm not simply trying to reach a certain goal and then... then, what? stop? No, this is a change in the way I live. Yes, I have a goal of reaching a healthy weight and fitness level, but I am not living life differently just to reach the goal -- the goals will simply be a by-product of my choice to change the way I live and eat. I need to keep in mind that I am not on a diet. I am not on a program. I am simply eating healthy portions of healthy food and becoming more physically active.


This is so.... freeing. I don't have to be perfect. Without a rigid program and set rules, I don't feel pressured to be perfect. I can't "slip" because there are no hard-line rules. I can't "cheat" because nothing is "forbidden." Just by eliminating the whole guilt thing, I have eliminated one of the biggest problems I've encountered in the past -- that, "Oh, I blew it... who cares... might as well go ahead and... (overeat something bad)...."  Without those regimental rules, there is no such thing as "blowing it." 


Okay.... back to earth. The birds are chirping outside my open patio doors. It's hovering around 70 degrees. I think Spring might actually be edging her way through. I'm so ready. I want to plant and mulch and dig and get dirty. Then watch little green sprouts erupt and blossoms open and nests appear under the eaves of my awning. My favorite time of year is approaching. Life feels good right now.

No Fads, No Gimmicks, Just A Different Way

I have had it with diets. I have had it with "programs". You might say that I am "FED UP" but not in a good way!  Yes, I want to reach a healthy weight and fitness level, but I no longer believe that the key to that is finding the "right" program or diet. Like so many others who trudge forward in the battle of the bulge, I have tried a number of them -- Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, L.A. Weight Loss, Overeaters Anonymous, etc. I've done the Atkins diet, the Mayo Clinic diet, and others. Admittedly, I've lost weight on all of them, but as is all too common, I've gained it back. I finally understand that what I need is really a very simple formula: Eating moderate portions of healthy food + Physical activity = Weight loss and Physical fitness.

I am sick of packaged meals, processed food, counting calories and carbs, weighing and measuring, and all the other gimmicks that go along with the typical "diet program." One thing I'm grateful for is that the experience of trying all these different things has taught me some things. I understand that portion size is important and calorie intake versus output is the key to weight loss. The regimented style may work for some people, but I have found that when I spend so much time planning menus, weighing and measuring every portion, and tallying every calorie, it puts way too much of my time and attention on the one thing I want to keep off my mind -- FOOD. I know that I need to be careful because even though, over time, I have learned what a "legal" portions of food are, old habits can easily enlarge those portions on the plate, almost without realizing it. Careful is good. Normal eating involves being careful. Many people have to be careful in order to keep their weight under control. To me, the count-every-calorie, measure-every-portion method crosses the line from careful into obsessive and the last thing I need is to be obsessive about food.

So, how to do it? Well, there are some things I'm doing that I think will make it easier to use my careful-versus-obsessive approach. I am NOT talking about eating smaller cheeseburgers and fewer french fries. I'm talking about eating healthy food -- lean fish and poultry and other good protein sources, fresh vegetables and fruits, and whole grains. I'm in the process of weaning myself off of diet sodas. This is something I had already been considering, just because I don't think they're good for my kidneys. An article I just read about the effect of artificial sweeteners on the palate fully convinced me to kick the diet soda habit. The main attraction that soda has for me is the carbonation, more than the taste. I've found that I really like seltzer water that is naturally flavored, but not sweetened. Lime is my favorite. I also prefer unsweetened iced tea over sweet, despite my southern roots. : )  I think unsweetened carbonated iced tea would be awesome! Anyway.... back to the point... my plan is to make wise food choices and be more active -- starting slow and working my way up to fitness. This just seems more sensible and sustainable than any of the other ways I've tried. One other difference -- this isn't something I'm trying. This is a change I'm making.

Okay, there's a voice whispering to me (no, not a real one -- I'm not psychotic yet): "If it were that simple, everyone would do it." You know what? I don't believe that. I haven't always wanted to lose weight, even though if anyone had asked me if I did, I would have said I did. The only other thing, I believe, that is needed besides that simple formula above is plain old motivation. We all have to find that for ourselves and it comes from many places and in many forms. I'm not even sure if I can fully explain my own motivation. I'm not sure I can explain why I have it now when I haven't had it in the past. I can only say that it's here and I believe that as long as I hang on to it -- commitment --  and practice the simple formula, achieving my goal is just a matter of time.

Things That Scare Me

I am most afraid of my current health problems further declining. For too long I have ignored the high risk I face of developing very serious complications of my health conditions, including stroke, heart disease, and some of the ugly long-term effects of diabetes like retinopathy or blindness, neuropathy (nerve damage) which can occur anywhere in the body and frequently in the extremities, sometimes leading to amputations. I have some hearing loss in one ear which has been attributed to this condition. My worst fear is ending up blind, incontinent, unable to walk, with paralysis from a stroke.

Fear is a strong motivator to make changes, but it isn't always a lasting motivator. I want my motivation to stem from a positive vision of my future self, one where healthy eating and physical fitness have reduced or eliminated my health problems and enabled me to engage in any range of activity that I desire. I want to spend my "golden years" enjoying life with my husband, traveling and pursuing grand adventures, not in a wheelchair or, worse, a nursing home. Or dead.

I can't explain why it's taken me so long to recognize the power that I have to change the course of my health. I suppose it's just a case of plain old denial. But, now is the time to go beyond that, to take the reigns and do what needs to be done to change things.

Change in itself isn't scary to me -- I like the excitement and possibilities that can accompany change -- but there are a couple of things that concern me. I hate the idea of having loose, flabby, saggy skin. I just hate it. I know that toning exercises will help and I know that if I don't lose the weight too quickly, it will minimize the flabbiness. I also know that once I reach my goal, I can have everything surgically corrected. It's that time before I reach my goal that concerns me. I expect it to take me at least a year to shed my 170 excess pounds, which is a long time to be carrying around floppiness. What I have to discipline myself to remember is that a few months of being flabby beats the you-know-what out of years of deteriorating health and inability to fully enjoy physical activity. It will really be a small price to pay for the final reward. (Keep repeating that!)

The other thing that I need to come to terms with is sexuality. I want to look good for my husband, yet avoid unwanted attention from other men. While it is somewhat flattering to be noticed, it also makes me very uncomfortable. I realize that in a lot of ways, I have used my extra weight as a kind of barrier -- even armor -- to keep other men at bay. There's a lot of emotional baggage and history that goes into this, which I'm not prepared to discuss here, at least not now. Again, I need to condition myself to understand that I am now an assertive, self-assured adult woman and I am capable of standing my own ground. I'm not the naive, insecure girl who used to have so much trouble dealing with such issues. This is something I will be able to learn to adjust to and to handle. I can always take assertiveness training if I need to -- maybe even martial arts classes. : )

The bottom line is that I cannot allow these fears to keep me from realizing my potential. They represent situations which can be conquered much more easily than the consequences that will inevitably occur with my health if I don't lose the excess weight. Dealing with these things will be much easier than living a life of illness or disability. I can tackle these issues and it will be worth it.

This Time is the Last Time

Like most people who have been overweight for a very long time, I have had periods where I've lost significant amounts of weight, only to regain it. I have had periods where I've exercised regularly, for a while. But here I am, "morbidly obese" and with my knees literally buckling under the load they're being forced to carry. This must be the last time for change and it must be lasting change. At fifty, with multiple health problems (all related to obesity) I'm running out of time for do-overs and try-agains.

This is not a diet. This is not an exercise program. This is a choice to treat myself with care and respect so that my body can heal and become strong. If something beyond my control takes away my health, then it was meant to be. But I am not going to willingly give it away. What I can control, I will control. My new life begins now.

I had sort of an epiphany on a recent vacation. A picture my husband took of me standing in the edge of the Pacific actually looks pretty good. But it doesn't show how slow and painful it was for me to walk the two blocks from our hotel to the beach. I've already been told that I'll need replacement surgery for my left knee. I'm in physical therapy to help relieve the pain that I have when walking or standing for even moderate periods of time. I am on about a dozen medications to treat for Type 2 Diabetes, Obstructive Sleep Apnea, Asthma, Hypertension, High Triglycerides and LDL cholesterol. My doctor has told me that most, if not all, of my health problems will likely disappear if I just lose the excess weight. Doesn't it seem absolutely ridiculous that anyone wouldn't do that to get rid of these health problems? It is completely senseless not to.

I am a smart, resourceful, competent, problem-solver. At 50 years of age, I just completed my B.A. in Government and Public Policy magna cum laude. Before that, I completed A.A. and A.S. degrees summa cum laude. I belong to honor societies. I was awarded several merit scholarships during community college and attended my university on full scholarship. I AM a smart woman. I CAN do what needs to be done to solve a problem or achieve a goal. I WILL do what needs to be done to improve the quality -- and quantity -- of my life. The real me WILL emerge.