Things That Scare Me

I am most afraid of my current health problems further declining. For too long I have ignored the high risk I face of developing very serious complications of my health conditions, including stroke, heart disease, and some of the ugly long-term effects of diabetes like retinopathy or blindness, neuropathy (nerve damage) which can occur anywhere in the body and frequently in the extremities, sometimes leading to amputations. I have some hearing loss in one ear which has been attributed to this condition. My worst fear is ending up blind, incontinent, unable to walk, with paralysis from a stroke.

Fear is a strong motivator to make changes, but it isn't always a lasting motivator. I want my motivation to stem from a positive vision of my future self, one where healthy eating and physical fitness have reduced or eliminated my health problems and enabled me to engage in any range of activity that I desire. I want to spend my "golden years" enjoying life with my husband, traveling and pursuing grand adventures, not in a wheelchair or, worse, a nursing home. Or dead.

I can't explain why it's taken me so long to recognize the power that I have to change the course of my health. I suppose it's just a case of plain old denial. But, now is the time to go beyond that, to take the reigns and do what needs to be done to change things.

Change in itself isn't scary to me -- I like the excitement and possibilities that can accompany change -- but there are a couple of things that concern me. I hate the idea of having loose, flabby, saggy skin. I just hate it. I know that toning exercises will help and I know that if I don't lose the weight too quickly, it will minimize the flabbiness. I also know that once I reach my goal, I can have everything surgically corrected. It's that time before I reach my goal that concerns me. I expect it to take me at least a year to shed my 170 excess pounds, which is a long time to be carrying around floppiness. What I have to discipline myself to remember is that a few months of being flabby beats the you-know-what out of years of deteriorating health and inability to fully enjoy physical activity. It will really be a small price to pay for the final reward. (Keep repeating that!)

The other thing that I need to come to terms with is sexuality. I want to look good for my husband, yet avoid unwanted attention from other men. While it is somewhat flattering to be noticed, it also makes me very uncomfortable. I realize that in a lot of ways, I have used my extra weight as a kind of barrier -- even armor -- to keep other men at bay. There's a lot of emotional baggage and history that goes into this, which I'm not prepared to discuss here, at least not now. Again, I need to condition myself to understand that I am now an assertive, self-assured adult woman and I am capable of standing my own ground. I'm not the naive, insecure girl who used to have so much trouble dealing with such issues. This is something I will be able to learn to adjust to and to handle. I can always take assertiveness training if I need to -- maybe even martial arts classes. : )

The bottom line is that I cannot allow these fears to keep me from realizing my potential. They represent situations which can be conquered much more easily than the consequences that will inevitably occur with my health if I don't lose the excess weight. Dealing with these things will be much easier than living a life of illness or disability. I can tackle these issues and it will be worth it.